You meet an old colleague
for lunch and he talks incessantly about himself. His business is great, his
children are perfect and his sex life is implausibly amazing. There is nothing
he speaks of to even hint at vulnerability. Then just before he leaves, he
finally makes eye contact, needing affirmation in return from your eyes, as he
tells you how much he has enjoyed himself.
Such self-involvement is
an aspect of narcissism. A healthy degree of narcissism is of course necessary in order to
survive. To value others, we need to value ourselves sufficiently. In a
market-led economy such as ours, it is necessary to promote oneself (as I am
doing now) as well as, our business endeavours (yes, I am writing a book called
‘Bankers on the Couch’ and I continue to coach and build teams). We massage our appearance in the mirror, on
Facebook (my hair rarely looks as neat as the picture here) and in varying
degrees create an image designed to provide some self-satisfaction (I’m writing
in pyjamas, thankfully you can’t see me).
Perhaps the best
way to think of narcissism is on a continuum from healthy to unhealthy, that
may vary with time and place. During times of acute stress, we are likely to exhibit more of self-focused traits. In cases
of extreme narcissism, the person relentlessly persecutes himself, causing himself
great pain and anxiety, especially when he does not live-up to the ideal he has
of himself. His self-esteem despite all his glories and achievements is weak
and brittle hence the excessive need to prove otherwise.
In extreme versions, the
narcissist does not see others at all. The other is merely an extension of the
self and judged according to whether they supply what is needed from them. If
they don’t, they maybe destined for the reject heap along with others from the
person’s past. Narcissistic
interpretations of events tend to put the person right at the centre of what
occurs, rarely on the periphery. The friend wins the lottery or gets promoted and immediately he
thinks, 'why didn’t I'?
The more troubling aspects of narcissism are hinted at by three observable factors: firstly,
an inability to hold eye contact with another person, secondly an interest in
appearance/performance, that borders on obsession and thirdly, an excessive difficulty in listening
to another attentively. I am often asked, if it is possible to teach those with
highly narcissistic tendencies to listen. My answer is that it is rather like a
learning to play the piano; you have to want to and it takes a lot of practice to
be any good, although it’s easy to make a lot of unpleasant noise. Fundamentally,
extreme narcissists often don’t value listening to others because to listen,
involves letting go of both control of a conversation and exploiting it entirely
for one’s own needs.
We are all vulnerable to
the seduction of the narcissistic leader with vision - often an outstanding
entrepreneur - who tells us the sky’s the limit, creates myths of dragons to
slay and spins dreams like celebrities. The downfall of the narcissist leader
is the difficulty of dealing with people different from himself – such as staff with different views and opinions - as others are seen as
merely an extension of his own existence. If he had someone whispering, “You
are only a man,” as Caesar did, he’d fire him. Any sign of real autonomy, in independent
thought, opinion or action, is likely to be judged as disloyalty. This is
radically illustrated in the narcissism of Hitler: to agree with him, thus serving
as a mirror that reflected him twice his natural size, secured Nazi membership.
To disagree with him, was to smash his inflated image of his own glory and meant
expulsion, to be made an outsider – a mad person. This of course, is the fate potential whistle-blowers
against corporate corruption and crime, dread. Some naturally choose to walk away from business – many are talented leaders we need at the helm of our institutions - unwilling
as they are, to play the role of magnifying mirror to the narcissist leader.
The financial regulators,
since Lehmann’s crashed in 2008, have in a sense, been attempting to regulate
the pathological aspects of narcissism. The top of the world of finance tends
to be led by such narcissists, who create an aggressive, bullying culture in an
attempt to force upon the corporate body, a uniformity of thought and action
the narcissist needs. Remember, to disagree with the pathological narcissist,
is to attack on not only his self-esteem but his very existence. As you
can imagine, it is unlikely that such a person receives or handles critical
feedback well, and may go to significant lengths to expel and humiliate the
person with the courage to give it.
Collective narcissism blossoms
when we are employed by an organization that strengthens our ego ideal, our
preferred if fantastic version of ourselves as omnipotent and accomplished. (It
might help to imagine the blonde heads of the Nazi party nodding and witnessing
themselves in reflected glory.) Thus, our personal brand is inflated by the
brand of the company we keep, which can operate as a powerful lever of not only
commitment but also control. It may influence members to work long hours,
collapse work/home boundaries and convince people to tell lies and commit, defend grossly immoral and corrupt practices. Until the financial regulators
understand this, their endeavours will fail. But like all brands, whether Nazi
or Enron, they can be more than tarnished into non-existence.
At the heart of pathological
narcissism is terrifying fear of an abyss inside, and extreme vulnerability. In
private sessions with me, if the client has sufficient ego strength to bond and
enough sense of security, he will often describe feeling a fraud have difficulties
with sleep, with nightmares of ghouls and other frightening figures inhabiting dark
nights. Most of all, behind all the bravado is invariably acute loneliness.
He’s not stupid, he knows relationships matter and that no matter how
omnipotent he feels at times, like all of us, he cannot defy the need for
others anymore than he can defy death.
Invariably we will find there
is a trauma that runs through many generations in his family, of people who
have great difficulty holding another person in their minds. So when I really
think about them, sit with them and authentically explore how they feel, they often
can only imagine it is to exploit them in some way as some kind of commodity.
This of course reveals their life experience of relationships.
As for the extreme
narcissist learning to listen, he will first have to believe there is some
value in more than barely registering other people and that he may hear
something of value. This moment may come
only when his downfall has occurred, the roots of which were most manifest in
his inability to listen.
